Stop Lying to Your Husband About the Little Things
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Raise your hand (OK, raise your phone), if you’ve ever had the following conversation with your husband/partner:
Wife: “Hey, I have an idea, let’s go for a walk with all the kids!”
Husband: [thinks it actually sounds like a terrible idea] “OK, sure, if that’s what you want to do.”
Wife: “Well, if you don’t, we don’t have to.”
Husband: “No, no, it will be great.”
Wife: “OK, if you’re sure.”
Both husband and wife proceed to pack up/buckle up/attempt to shut up children, head out on walk. It immediately downpours rain, one or most of the children end up whining while another falls out of the stroller and eats some serious gravel.
Husband: “Ugh, I knew we shouldn’t have left!”
Wife: “What??! You’re blaming me? I knew you didn’t want to go! Why didn’t you just say so?”
Both husband and wife descend into stony silence.
What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a classic case of Try-To-Make-Your-Spouse-Happyitis. (Do I watch too much Doc McStuffins? Only my kids know the truth.)
Now, in most situations, and a lot of times in marriage, this syndrome is not necessarily a bad thing. It is, after all, a hallmark of love — doing what is best for your loved one despite your own selfish desires.
But it can also become a habit that can break down trust. Both partners may try to predict what the other thinks in an attempt to please, but often getting it wrong. The resulting situation turns out worse than if they had just told the truth from the very beginning.
“Because this is what happily married people do: they repeatedly lie about their true feelings in order to make the other person happy, and then it all falls apart and no one is happy,” summed up one very wise wife on this phenomenon.
My husband and I are a classic example of this marriage faux-paus. I know that my husband often tries to “predict” what I will say or do, or tries to hide his true feelings on a certain matter precisely so as not to upset me. He strongly dislikes dealing with a grumpy wife, so he’s infamous for trying to stay one step ahead of me in an attempt to appear as if he’s making me happy while also making himself happy by preventing any unhappy feelings. That makes sense, right? The only problem with this way of thinking, of course, is that it’s always over the most ridiculous of things and it usually ends up in precisely what he was trying to prevent and we fight.
Riveting example #1:
Husband: “I’m going to make some fried eggs for breakfast, is that OK with you?” (actually wants scrambled).
Wife: “Oh.” *pauses* “Um, sure.” (actually wants fried).
Husband: “What? You’re saying you want scrambled?”
Wife: “Oh, no. I really don’t care, plus I can make my own. Don’t worry about it! Make what you want!”
Husband: “I don’t care, really.”
Wife: “Well, I don’t care really, either.”
Husband: stares, silence.
Wife: “Well, if you really don’t have a preference, fried would be great.”
Husband: heavy sigh.
There are more important matters to a marriage than egg preferences of course (although food is always important in my house), but our daily, ridiculous fights when we are trying to predict what the other wants usually don’t end up well for either of us. Except, obviously, in the breakfast case when I ended up winning The Great Egg Debate.
You know what they say — some things are just worth fighting for.
And by that I mean your marriage, guys. Not fried eggs. Just so we’re clear.